2008 Woodie Awards
Humor :It's Not What I Know
Danny Harry
Issue date: 4/27/05 Section: Opinion
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At the ripe age of 26, I've learned to perfect the Old Man Sway-Shuffle. Last week while lifting weights, I began doing machine back extensions. At a pretty light weight, my heart sank when my lower back spasmed out, about the third time this semester I've injured my back. Immediately I left the machine and began stretching my back. But it was too late. Standing slowly, the muscles on either side of my vertebral column began a twisted tug of war match with my spine being the rope. The Old Man Sway began as no matter how hard I tried, I could not get rid of the bend at my waist. For the rest of the day, I wanted to post a "Wide Load" caution sign on my rear because it stuck out hazardously far when I walked. Someone could have been injured. The Old Man Sway Shuffle perfected itself when the muscles of my left shoulder blade spasmed, causing that arm to tilt up and back.
Still having a "never give up unless you're dead, even if it hurts so bad you routinely smack your pinky with a hammer just because it feels better" athlete mentality, I continued to attend classes even though it hurt to breath, stand, sit, lie down, think, and basically exist. One evening before class, I went home to ice my messed up back muscles. Lying face down on our bed for 30 minutes, I attempt to sit up. My back screamed at me, refusing to move as if a steel beam had been sunk through my skull all the way down my tailbone. The sudden pain sucked the air from my lungs.
Fear set in, because I had to go to the bathroom and couldn't move. I pictured my wife walking in hours later to see me, lying on the bed like a plank in a puddle of my own pee, or worse. We've joked about the day we have to help each change each other's diapers. I just didn't think it would be when I'm 26. We don't want to feel so old that when we start having kids, they'll just be getting out of diapers when it's their turn to start putting diapers on us. Family bonding time, yes. Good family bonding time, no.
Still having a "never give up unless you're dead, even if it hurts so bad you routinely smack your pinky with a hammer just because it feels better" athlete mentality, I continued to attend classes even though it hurt to breath, stand, sit, lie down, think, and basically exist. One evening before class, I went home to ice my messed up back muscles. Lying face down on our bed for 30 minutes, I attempt to sit up. My back screamed at me, refusing to move as if a steel beam had been sunk through my skull all the way down my tailbone. The sudden pain sucked the air from my lungs.
Fear set in, because I had to go to the bathroom and couldn't move. I pictured my wife walking in hours later to see me, lying on the bed like a plank in a puddle of my own pee, or worse. We've joked about the day we have to help each change each other's diapers. I just didn't think it would be when I'm 26. We don't want to feel so old that when we start having kids, they'll just be getting out of diapers when it's their turn to start putting diapers on us. Family bonding time, yes. Good family bonding time, no.