2008 Woodie Awards
Humor: What I wouldn't give
Deborah Chessey ; http://outtabodymommy.clubmom.com
Issue date: 9/13/06 Section: Life
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I wish I still had an appendix.
Many years ago I was in a difficult situation and rather than take care of it directly, I blew my appendix instead. Being hospitalized effectively took care of the problem and ever since that day I have wondered if I mentally made the appendix blow or if it was just a case of excellent timing. Today it occurs to me that I wasted my appendix. I should have saved it. If I still had it I would consider using it today so I wouldn't have to give a ten-minute oral presentation tomorrow.
I do have a pair of tonsils, but having them removed is probably elective surgery and I couldn't get it scheduled quickly enough. I am holding on to my gall bladder for something really big; I hear that after your gall bladder is removed you can't eat pork. Frankly, I can't see anything bothering me so much that I am willing to give up bacon.
Two days ago I started to feel a little achy and it occurred to me that I might be developing a kidney stone, which would be a righteous excuse not to give a ten-minute speech. But as soon as I began to think, "Bring on a stone!" the feeling stopped. Maybe the trick to sacrificing organs is to not acknowledge that you know that your organs are doing it.
I have heard that giving a speech is the number one biggest fear of the majority of people. The second biggest fear is death. If that is true, then most people would rather die than stand behind a podium. If that is an accurate statistic, and not one I just made up to prove a point, that makes my willingness to burst an organ perfectly normal.
The idea of going to college and graduating Magna Cum Laude was easy to formulate; actually doing it is hard work. I wonder how many of my organs will survive the journey.
Many years ago I was in a difficult situation and rather than take care of it directly, I blew my appendix instead. Being hospitalized effectively took care of the problem and ever since that day I have wondered if I mentally made the appendix blow or if it was just a case of excellent timing. Today it occurs to me that I wasted my appendix. I should have saved it. If I still had it I would consider using it today so I wouldn't have to give a ten-minute oral presentation tomorrow.
I do have a pair of tonsils, but having them removed is probably elective surgery and I couldn't get it scheduled quickly enough. I am holding on to my gall bladder for something really big; I hear that after your gall bladder is removed you can't eat pork. Frankly, I can't see anything bothering me so much that I am willing to give up bacon.
Two days ago I started to feel a little achy and it occurred to me that I might be developing a kidney stone, which would be a righteous excuse not to give a ten-minute speech. But as soon as I began to think, "Bring on a stone!" the feeling stopped. Maybe the trick to sacrificing organs is to not acknowledge that you know that your organs are doing it.
I have heard that giving a speech is the number one biggest fear of the majority of people. The second biggest fear is death. If that is true, then most people would rather die than stand behind a podium. If that is an accurate statistic, and not one I just made up to prove a point, that makes my willingness to burst an organ perfectly normal.
The idea of going to college and graduating Magna Cum Laude was easy to formulate; actually doing it is hard work. I wonder how many of my organs will survive the journey.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Unhinged
posted 10/07/06 @ 5:29 PM MST
Debber! As always, your quirky side of things are a joy to read. And I'm so happy that you are spreading this kind of quirkiness throughout the electronic cosmos, Lord help us all!
And yes . (Continued…)
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