2008 Woodie Awards
Humor: can you keep a secret
Deborah Chessey
Issue date: 4/11/07 Section: Opinion
- Page 1 of 1
The five ugliest words in the English language are, "Can you keep a secret?" Those five little words suck us in and make us feel as though we are getting valuable exclusive information. The desire to hear the information is so strong that most of us proclaim that we can keep a secret. But if you are like the majority of the population, you are thinking about who you can tell before you pinky promise not to tell a soul.
There are people who can keep secrets; and I hope my pastor is one of them. But for the rest of us, those not bound by laws and covenants, it's a little hard to keep salacious secrets in the vault.
When I am asked if I can keep a secret I have the optimistic belief that the teller is about to let me know that they won the lottery and they are cutting me for a slice of the pie. I always say that I can keep a secret anticipating the good news, but would you believe this? No one ever tells me they won the lottery. Instead I hear things that make wish I had been smart enough to say, "No I can not keep a secret."
One of the biggest secrets that women of college age tell is, "I am pregnant." On the surface, this is a good secret and so it seems like a celebration to call all of your mutual friends to share the news and plan the baby shower. But occasionally, pregnancy is not a good secret and sharing the news leads to a situation where a crying pregnant woman wants you to know that you are a big mouthed blabber face (and perhaps a few other choice words that can't be printed in the paper.) Trust me, when a pregnant woman asks you to keep her pregnancy a secret it is best to set on the information until the baby is born.
There are many secrets that you might accidentally stumble into because you said you can keep a secret. You should think about all of the things you don't want to know about the teller before you claim you can keep your yap closed. You may be expecting something good like, "I just bought you a Ferrari" but you're more likely to hear something like, "I have herpes."
At my wizened old age I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a good secret. The word 'secret' implies, "I am about to tell you something that will drive you mad until you tell someone else." As such I am going to take a page out of my even older and wiser cousin's book.
The next time someone asks me if I can keep a secret I am going to say, "If you want to keep it a secret, you better not tell me."
There are people who can keep secrets; and I hope my pastor is one of them. But for the rest of us, those not bound by laws and covenants, it's a little hard to keep salacious secrets in the vault.
When I am asked if I can keep a secret I have the optimistic belief that the teller is about to let me know that they won the lottery and they are cutting me for a slice of the pie. I always say that I can keep a secret anticipating the good news, but would you believe this? No one ever tells me they won the lottery. Instead I hear things that make wish I had been smart enough to say, "No I can not keep a secret."
One of the biggest secrets that women of college age tell is, "I am pregnant." On the surface, this is a good secret and so it seems like a celebration to call all of your mutual friends to share the news and plan the baby shower. But occasionally, pregnancy is not a good secret and sharing the news leads to a situation where a crying pregnant woman wants you to know that you are a big mouthed blabber face (and perhaps a few other choice words that can't be printed in the paper.) Trust me, when a pregnant woman asks you to keep her pregnancy a secret it is best to set on the information until the baby is born.
There are many secrets that you might accidentally stumble into because you said you can keep a secret. You should think about all of the things you don't want to know about the teller before you claim you can keep your yap closed. You may be expecting something good like, "I just bought you a Ferrari" but you're more likely to hear something like, "I have herpes."
At my wizened old age I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a good secret. The word 'secret' implies, "I am about to tell you something that will drive you mad until you tell someone else." As such I am going to take a page out of my even older and wiser cousin's book.
The next time someone asks me if I can keep a secret I am going to say, "If you want to keep it a secret, you better not tell me."
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
kim
posted 4/11/07 @ 9:19 PM MST
hoo-haa.... I've been quoted. And after reading your insightful article, I realize how profound such a response really is.
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