2008 Woodie Awards
Goodbye Whale Tails and Muffin Tops
Deborah Chessey
Issue date: 9/5/07 Section: Life
- Page 1 of 1
During the first week of school I stood in a long line staring at the back of the man at the service desk. He was noteworthy because he was not wearing a belt and a full nine inches of his threadbare BVD's were visible to us all. I judged his age to be around twenty-five. I came to this calculation because I believe it takes at least seven years for BVD's to become transparent. Next there was a young woman with a few inches of her shiny pink thong peeking out of the back of her low rider jeans.
It is apparent that neither of these students got the memo that declares the fall of 2007 as the beginning of a new fashion phase: in with 'undergarments are private again.' This should be good news for the entire student body; whale tail sightings during lectures can totally de-rail a good note taking session.
The other fabulous fashion news I have to share with you concerns long shirts in flashy bright designs. If I may be so bold, this shirt is the best thing that has happened for women since we burned our girdles. At first glance, these shirts may resemble maternity shirts, but they are clearly designed to hide muffin tops. The muffin top is the belt of flesh that gets pushed up above low rider pants. Last year muffin tops were all the rage, as tight shirts were in vogue. But this year fashion has gotten kinder. The hip length shirt looks fabulous on women who are size 0. It makes them look waif like and romantic. The breezy flowing fabric looks fantastic on women who wear size 40. It makes them look capable and romantic--and for the rest of us? We look like fashion savvy lasses.
I do have a few words of caution regarding these shirts: do not ever ask a young woman any of the following questions: "When are you due?" Or, "Are you pregnant?" Or "For heavens sake, how many babies are you planning to have?" A good rule of thumb is that you shouldn't ask a woman about her pregnancy status until after she has shown you the ultra-sound picture.
As for the men: Ross Dress for Less has nice leather belts at very reasonable prices. Don't be the man in your crowd that chases away the ladies because your thread bare BVD's are hanging out. If you are a married man you may assume that it doesn't matter what sort of underwear you are sporting, but you are oh-so-wrong. According to my statistics, married men who wear belts are 65% more attractive to their spouses.
We can all celebrate this new fashion season and be thankful that the persons who decide what is fashionable have our backs. All the tramp stamps, whale tails, muffin tops and underwear without elastic will be properly hidden this year. Without these sights to distract you during lecture time, this could be your best academic semester ever.
It is apparent that neither of these students got the memo that declares the fall of 2007 as the beginning of a new fashion phase: in with 'undergarments are private again.' This should be good news for the entire student body; whale tail sightings during lectures can totally de-rail a good note taking session.
The other fabulous fashion news I have to share with you concerns long shirts in flashy bright designs. If I may be so bold, this shirt is the best thing that has happened for women since we burned our girdles. At first glance, these shirts may resemble maternity shirts, but they are clearly designed to hide muffin tops. The muffin top is the belt of flesh that gets pushed up above low rider pants. Last year muffin tops were all the rage, as tight shirts were in vogue. But this year fashion has gotten kinder. The hip length shirt looks fabulous on women who are size 0. It makes them look waif like and romantic. The breezy flowing fabric looks fantastic on women who wear size 40. It makes them look capable and romantic--and for the rest of us? We look like fashion savvy lasses.
I do have a few words of caution regarding these shirts: do not ever ask a young woman any of the following questions: "When are you due?" Or, "Are you pregnant?" Or "For heavens sake, how many babies are you planning to have?" A good rule of thumb is that you shouldn't ask a woman about her pregnancy status until after she has shown you the ultra-sound picture.
As for the men: Ross Dress for Less has nice leather belts at very reasonable prices. Don't be the man in your crowd that chases away the ladies because your thread bare BVD's are hanging out. If you are a married man you may assume that it doesn't matter what sort of underwear you are sporting, but you are oh-so-wrong. According to my statistics, married men who wear belts are 65% more attractive to their spouses.
We can all celebrate this new fashion season and be thankful that the persons who decide what is fashionable have our backs. All the tramp stamps, whale tails, muffin tops and underwear without elastic will be properly hidden this year. Without these sights to distract you during lecture time, this could be your best academic semester ever.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Ash
posted 9/07/07 @ 9:13 AM EST
Gentlemen! you heard it here first! no one wants to see you boxers/tighty-whites/briefs/boxer brief's hanging out of your pants. Pull up your damn pants and put on a belt, the women in your life will Thank you!
Post a Comment