2008 Woodie Awards
Learning from the Fallen Romantics
Joshua Mayes
Issue date: 2/20/08 Section: Opinion
This article is designed to point out a few flaws men make in their selections of gifts, but I want you ladies reading this to call them on any of these techniques, with all of the wrath you can muster.
You don't want to end up, like me, in a truck stop on your way home from work on Valentine's Day. No man should be browsing convenience store wares at midnight for the perfect CB radio that says, "I love you."
I have heard countless horror stories from men who arrived home with a 6-pack of light beer, a bag of Easter M&Ms, and a Kenny Rogers' Christmas CD as their material declarations of love. You'd be better off drinking the beer, eating the candy, and breaking the CD to fashion a knife so you can survive in the wild.
Once upon a time a box of chocolates and a handful of roses stolen from the neighbor's garden were enough to keep you from sleeping on the couch. Times are different now. Chocolate is the gift that sounds safe for all women. You can even imagine her smile and her warm embrace rewarding your good taste. Not so fast. An armload of chocolate is the perfect gift to come back and bite you. A week later, when her jeans are too tight, and she moves back to her parents' house you will regret that heart shaped box, because she will blame you for those unnecessary pounds.
Chocolate in moderation though is a great idea that can work year round. Taking my queue from a fancy hotel I started placing dove chocolates on my lover's pillow at night. It works well some of the time. This may sound obvious, but be sure to let her know that the candy is there. No emotion behind a romantic gesture will save you if she wakes up with a wad of foil spot welded to the side of her head with melted chocolate.
If you are going to buy roses or flowers this year please buy the entire plant secured in life giving soil. My wife screamed at me two weeks after Valentine's Day that the dead roses were "a symbol of our dying relationship." The lesson from this example is not to go out and buy plastic flowers, but instead try to find a gift that lasts. Plastic flowers were a symbol of our "fake relationship" my wife pointed out when they wouldn't die.
I must finally advise against finding any conversation hearts that are all white. I found a bag of them in a store and decided to give a handful to my girlfriend. Now unless you are comfortable dodging the bullet of a piece of candy that says "I Thee Wed" then I would recommend staying away from the white ones.
Valentine's Day is a specific day to show your significant other the love you have for them. So if your only options on Valentine's Day are between bringing home a heart shaped Pez dispenser that says "I love you" and returning with empty hands, take the chance to tell her you love her with words not products.
You don't want to end up, like me, in a truck stop on your way home from work on Valentine's Day. No man should be browsing convenience store wares at midnight for the perfect CB radio that says, "I love you."
I have heard countless horror stories from men who arrived home with a 6-pack of light beer, a bag of Easter M&Ms, and a Kenny Rogers' Christmas CD as their material declarations of love. You'd be better off drinking the beer, eating the candy, and breaking the CD to fashion a knife so you can survive in the wild.
Once upon a time a box of chocolates and a handful of roses stolen from the neighbor's garden were enough to keep you from sleeping on the couch. Times are different now. Chocolate is the gift that sounds safe for all women. You can even imagine her smile and her warm embrace rewarding your good taste. Not so fast. An armload of chocolate is the perfect gift to come back and bite you. A week later, when her jeans are too tight, and she moves back to her parents' house you will regret that heart shaped box, because she will blame you for those unnecessary pounds.
Chocolate in moderation though is a great idea that can work year round. Taking my queue from a fancy hotel I started placing dove chocolates on my lover's pillow at night. It works well some of the time. This may sound obvious, but be sure to let her know that the candy is there. No emotion behind a romantic gesture will save you if she wakes up with a wad of foil spot welded to the side of her head with melted chocolate.
If you are going to buy roses or flowers this year please buy the entire plant secured in life giving soil. My wife screamed at me two weeks after Valentine's Day that the dead roses were "a symbol of our dying relationship." The lesson from this example is not to go out and buy plastic flowers, but instead try to find a gift that lasts. Plastic flowers were a symbol of our "fake relationship" my wife pointed out when they wouldn't die.
I must finally advise against finding any conversation hearts that are all white. I found a bag of them in a store and decided to give a handful to my girlfriend. Now unless you are comfortable dodging the bullet of a piece of candy that says "I Thee Wed" then I would recommend staying away from the white ones.
Valentine's Day is a specific day to show your significant other the love you have for them. So if your only options on Valentine's Day are between bringing home a heart shaped Pez dispenser that says "I love you" and returning with empty hands, take the chance to tell her you love her with words not products.
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