ISU Bengal

Issue date: 8/27/08 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: MCT

Over the summer cougars were spotted near the ISU campus. My first thought upon hearing this information was, "Demi Moore and Cameron Diaz must be in town!" I was shocked to find out that the article was referring to mountain lions, not attractive and intelligent older women who like to date younger men.

For the purposes of this article, I will differentiate mountain lion and cougar for you:

A mountain lion is a huge predatory cat that crouches behind rocks eyeing up hikers and wondering which would be the easiest to pounce upon and devour.

A cougar is an older woman who has a taste for young men.

Mountain lions are deadly animals.

Cougars do not eat their prey; they practice the catch and release program.

Because of my public responsibility as the humor columnist, I have done some research on how to survive a mountain lion attack. Let me share my findings with you­- and take note! I will also be telling you how to survive a cougar attack.



Look a mountain lion in the eye if it approaches.

Never make eye contact with a cougar.

Make loud noises, try baring your teeth and growling at the mountain lion.

This will also deter a cougar; in fact, it will deter the entire student body.

Stand up straight and stick out your chest; this will make you appear bigger to the mountain lion.

If you are trying to escape a cougar, slump your shoulders and scratch yourself.

Pull children closer to you, put one on your shoulders so you appear larger to the mountain lion.

This will not work on a cougar, it will only make you appear to be a man that likes children, and everyone knows that men who love children are delectable. A better bet would be to fake a telephone call from your parole officer.

Back away from the mountain lion slowly; never turn your back on the beast.

Ditto for the cougar.

Use anything as a weapon against the mountain lion, mace and pepper spray are good options.

One hundred percent of the cougars I interviewed agreed that mace or pepper spray would be an effective deterrent.

Try to jab the mountain lion in the eye with your thumb.

The cougars I spoke with gave this idea two thumbs up.

Yell something specific like "mountain lion!" or "man-eating beast," instead of something generic like "help!"

If you are dealing with a cougar the best thing to yell is, "I am only 18 and I live with my mother!"

A mountain lion attack is nothing to laugh about and the tips and tricks to surviving one should be on your memorization list.

Surviving a cougar attack doesn't really take much skill; the worst thing that will happen is that a young man will be forced to spend the major holidays with Bruce Willis.

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